Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
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Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.