[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
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Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I’m giving up ice.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash