Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
You Might Also Like
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
For anyone who needs this today
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
barbara was highly relatable