JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.