oppen heimer style lol
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Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray