Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.