Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
subtitles are so good nowadays
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
So the ex texted me
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.