My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
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my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck