Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
You Might Also Like
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.