When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
You Might Also Like
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
The Birdles
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open