Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
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[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
is this meant to deter me
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”