Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
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I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.