[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
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I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
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Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.