[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
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I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.