All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
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“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.