Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
You Might Also Like
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
This meal prepping shit easy
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.