If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.