Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
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My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
“and how does that make you feel?”
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Dietest Coke