80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
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After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Meanwhile in Canada…
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
how it started vs how it ended
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does