It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Me checking my bank balance online.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *