I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
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Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail