Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
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Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride