me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
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One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.