The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
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WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
handsome & gretel
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.