My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
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Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
“You’d better run, egg!”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.