I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
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tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain