There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
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My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
that de-escalated quickly
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.