Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
You Might Also Like
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
no
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.