vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”