[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
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My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
doing some research
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
The opposite of Iceland is water water
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.