Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
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Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
She was REALLY feeling it.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.