Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
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Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Realize this:
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply