You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”