“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
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gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Note to self: I am a note
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Ummm