“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
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The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth