*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
*seductively corrects your posture*
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile