She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
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(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
#SaturdayBears
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠