The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
You Might Also Like
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
79.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.