Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
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I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
No regrets in 2018
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
craving $300 all of a sudden
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together