*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Stop sending me this shit.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Single and childfree like Jesus
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts