Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Bloody internet 😳
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
What the dentist sees
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.