Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
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I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
British people be like I’m Bri ish
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Saw your ex at the shops
three things we don’t talk about
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee