Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
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Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Woke up with morning Yule Log
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.