Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
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We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.