Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
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why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?