Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
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*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
How dramatic are you?
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”