Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
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At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.