when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
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“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?