[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
You Might Also Like
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Me recordaron éste meme
Breaking news:
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*