“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
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I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.